Full Communion

In such a strange twist of fate (or more accurately God's will) I was granted a dispensation to receive the sacraments of Confirmation and First Holy Communion on September 21, 2016.

My eldest son accompanied me to Mass and sat alongside me in the pew with my beautiful friend and sponsor, Christi.

I almost always read the daily readings but that morning I ignored my email containing them and decided to wait until Mass to hear them. Of course, our Lord graced me with the most perfect readings possible for my day of full acceptance into the Catholic Church. As well as it being the Feast of St. Matthew...my eldest son's middle name and Matthew being quite the sinner (which I can relate too maybe a little to well).

Ephesians 4:1-7

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, beg you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all lowliness and meekness, with patience, forbearing one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of us all, who is above all and through all and in all. But grace was given to each of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.

This entire passage from Ephesians corresponds exactly with the divine sacraments I received this day. I was called to walk with Him, not only to walk, but to walk in a certain manner. One worthy of the calling. Called to be little and humble, loving and patient, and always striving to maintain peace. The passage speaks directly of the Spirit. Confirmation strengthens you with the gifts of the Holy Spirit and obliges you to walk your faith more diligently. For a bit of information on the Sacrament of Confirmation please check this short article out.


11-13

And his gifts were that some should be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ

This refers back to the grace given to us and the gifts we receive and what we are to do with them. Mainly to build up the body of Christ and the unity of His church through living the gospel and sharing it with others. You never know, you could be raising a future saint!

Matthew 9:9-13 

As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man called Matthew sitting at the tax office; and he said to him, "Follow me." And he rose and followed him. And as he sat at the table in the house, behold many tax collectors and sinners came and sat down with Jesus and his disciples. And when the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?" But when he heard it, he said, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew listened. He did not say, "Hold on a second, I've got to put my money in the bank, or tell my friend where I am going, or grab a coffee." He got up and followed. We don't know much about Matthew but he as a tax collector is grouped with the sinners. He heard the call and he listened and his life was forever changed. I love where Jesus says that those who are well have no need of a physician when he is asked why he is hanging out with sinners. He has no need to call the righteous for they are already where they are supposed to be. It is the sinners he is calling to walk in that worthy manner.


I've hand written these readings in one of my numerous journals along with my experiences and meditations on the day. It is one I will never forget. I was finally able to join the feast and quench the thirst and hunger that I have experienced my entire life.

Blessed is she who comes to the table of the Lord.
Amen.

The Joke Is On Me

This morning while scrolling through my feed reader and scarfing my breakfast, I came across this post by Sara Wilson. Her mention of author Laura Munson's book This Is Not the Story You Think It Is reminded me that I had read that very book sometime last year. At the time it was just the beginning of the problems I was to experience in my life and my marriage over the next year and a half.  I remember thinking in relief that, thank goodness my marriage wasn't going through that and I marveled at the strength of self the author showed. I loved the book, retained a lot of valuable wisdom from it, but then promptly threw all that wisdom out the window when things got truly difficult. It then became about me me me and me being right right right and him being wrong wrong wrong. It's a daily struggle to remember to ask yourself the question, "Do you want to be right or do you want to love?"

Sara shares some widsom from Rumi,
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there."

I detest being lonely. Something to do with way back in my childhood has hardwired me to be attention seeking (whether negative or positive), needy, and nearly incapable of being alone. I'm prone to apologize even when I don't think I'm in the wrong just to retain closeness. Of course that in turn leads to resentment. Or I might practice what is termed as "proximity seeking". Meaning I will strategically place myself close to the person even if the vibe is strained or I know they want distance just so I don't feel the physical pain of solitude. When I say the person, I really mean my husband. For the most part I am capable of acting like a normal human being in most other relationships. Although honestly there are always exceptions.

I explain all this to say...I don't want to go sit in the field and wait. I want to ask a million questions...will there be snacks in the field? will there be distractions? is there wi-fi available? can someone come sit with me and keep me company? can I take a nap while I wait? And then when my questions run out I want to bargain...please don't make me go to the field. i'll be good. i'll be chill. i'll do what you want just don't make me go be by myself until you decide to come meet me. 

Over the past year and a half I have walked out to the field, waited in the cold, grown tired of waiting and run back home. Only to return to the field and repeat the process over and over and over. There have been times he has come out to the the field himself and we have sat there together for a time. But it has yet to happen that we have come out of the field side by side.

Laura's book shows that she possesses a level of patience and tolerance and love that I have yet to master. When I really examine my actions and behaviors closely I see that my ego is still alive and kicking. I thought it was dying, that it had actually died, but evidently catlike in its qualities it has nine lives and no regard for anyone's life but its own. I've asked that it be taken to the firing squad for a quick execution but instead it has been sentenced to the cross for a slow death. And I am front row for its pain and pleading. Wanting to save it only to save myself the agony. There is no love in that.

While my husband and I have been fighting our own private battles we have been waging war against each other. We are exhausted. Fighting off what you perceive as the enemy on all sides takes its toll. It's hard to be rational from a place of exhaustion. It's painful to love when you feel you are under attack. It's difficult to recognize wisdom when your supplies have run out and the troops have deserted you. They realized that the battle is pointless but you are still there, firing at yourself and calling it a win.

One thing I've come to realize during my conversion is that I am actually never truly alone. While in moments of weakness I might forget but it always comes back to me. God is always with me. He is there through the pain. He is there in my marriage. He is giving me support and letting me fall according to His plan. And the joker that He is, He is making sure that I understand good and well that things happen on His timeline and not mine. The final step of me being able to come into full communion with the Church has now been put in my husband's hands. That's right. We need to have our marriage convalidated before I can receive all the sacraments. Basically...we have to get married again.

Pray for me...
Please.

Life Block

You know how some people get writer's block? I feel like I have life block. Most likely a small case of writer's block as well but most definitely I feel stuck in life. Like I'm sitting there staring at each day and struggling to find the actions to complete it. Ideas and good intentions all languish in my brain and fail to come out through my actions. Currently life feels like an ever revolving hamster wheel which only pauses long enough to let people on and off but none of them are me. I would really like an exit pass as I am becoming quite dizzy and nauseous.

I'm missing my friends. Yet its through my own actions that my relationships with them are now strained. How do you fix that? How do you say sorry over and over again before it doesn't even mean anything or matter anymore? I feel like this is just a constant of my personality, to push people away after a certain period of time. My therapist says its just bad communication but I think its my intuitive nature going into overdrive. I pick up on the little cues and bolt before I can be pushed away myself.

The grass is always greener mentality is constantly with me but I know better than to believe it. Still that longing for something different leaves me empty and short tempered. Some days I am just fine with my lot in life, grateful and happy for the generous life I lead. I mean really...what do I have to be unhappy about? Other days I just wish I could pick up my whole family and plop us down thousands of miles away from here. Melancholy is quickly taking over, motivation is waning. I'm tired of it. Very very tired of it. I pray for contentment and wisdom. And mercy. Always always mercy and forgiveness for my ungratefulness. I've got to start looking at this blank page of a day and filling it to the brim. I've got to start loving the way I want to be loved. No one is going to do it for me. The prayer to St. Francis is probably a good place to start...

Fiat

I always start my prayers with a Hail Mary. Maybe because it is the first prayer I learned.

When I drafted this post last month I had intended to write about the ways I was being called to say yes in my life. Instead after the events of the past week, I can say that instead of being called I have been pushed...shoved...or maybe more accurately stumbled my way to rock bottom. The bottom has been found folks. It has been found and it is cold and hard and lonely. It shall be a long climb from here but there is nowhere to go but up.

So I call on my Heavenly Mother for help, on my patron saint, on my protector Michael, on my healer Raphael, on my model Francis of Assisi. But most of all on my Lord.

Immaculate Heart of Mary

She revealed her heart to me on a beer can.

Whoa. Back up. Let me go ahead and say I hope this does not offend anyone. Although I've found that when you start a conversation with, "no offense but..." someone almost always takes offense.

Back to the beer can. I might have been a few of these in, but I will enthusiastically say that when your mind is a little bit loose you find yourself more open to receiving the messages being delivered to you.

So there I sit, drunkenly regarding the can of beer in my hand and marveling over its seriously cool label. That would make an awesome tattoo I think to myself. It reminds me of Mary's Immaculate Heart. Now maybe this thought was reaching a bit but it did cross my mind.

A few weeks later...out of town for an appointment I located Mary and visited with her. The next week I had to return to that town, kids in tow, and Stella and I stopped by to see her again. As we meandered up the busy tourist laden sidewalk, we window shopped and occasionally stepped in a funky boutique or sweet shop. When I saw this print it instantly jumped out at me as yet another sign of Mary showing her heart to me.

My apologies for the awful picture quality.

She is calling me that is for sure. Appearing in dreams, making herself known in little ways.

The catechism has this to say about her:
Paragraph 6. 963  "The Virgin Mary...is acknowledged and honored as being truly the Mother of God and of the redeemer...She is clearly the mother of the members of Christ'...since she has by her charity joined in bringing about the birth of believers in the Church, who are members of its head."

969  Taken up to heaven she did not lay aside the saving office but by her manifold intercession continues to bring us the gifts of eternal salvation...Therefore the Blessed Virgin is invoked in the Church under the titles of Advocate, Helper, Benefactress, and Mediatrix.

So Mary didn't just relax when she ascended directly to heaven. After working so hard on earth she continues to work hard for us, to advocate for those who call on her, from her position as Queen of Heaven.

I read that Pope Francis has a special devotion to the Blessed Mother. It is said that he watched Pope John Paul II pray the rosary and experiencing this witness of his predecessor's devotion of the path of his Mother up to the sky had a lasting impact on him.

The rosary does not come easy for me. For one thing it takes a bit of time and that is something I am quite short on. For another, I have yet to memorize all the mysteries and when I do pray it I always have my phone handy to guide me. That in itself is uncomfortable for me. Our parish has rosary prayers before Mass sometime during the week and I have been itching to get there early enough to join in. I can truly feel Mary calling me to her and instructing me to take up the rosary as part of my spiritual health.

In what ways have you experienced the Blessed Mother's presence?

UNRAVELING MY FAITH: Borrowed Words

This post is part of a series I wrote over the last 6 months and am just now publishing...

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness and witherings, of tarnishings." -Anais Nin

I like to let others speak for me. What I cannot form into words, I can almost always find in a quote. You know the ones that just grab you? Jerk you right off your chair. I collect them. I scribble quotes everywhere, screenshot them,  letter them in journals.  Quotes are to be shared. Doled out like advice.

"A person learns how to love himself through the simple acts of loving and being loved by someone else." - Haruki Murakami

The last two books that came into my possession have handwritten quotes in the front. Favorites of the giver of the books. Words are so beautiful and sometimes you can't speak clearly anymore; because of whatever reason. Maybe your heart just hurts and your thoughts are disjointed.  Maybe you devour language and literature and let people's words brand your soul and knit your thoughts together for you.

"The most beautiful voice in the world is that of an educated Southern woman."- Winston Churchill

I'm not insinuating that all your collected quotes must come from great works of literature or spiritual leaders and figures of the past. Sometimes you can find exactly what you couldn't say in a simple blog post. Another soul was feeling exactly as you are and found a way to articulate it and then they had the courage to take it and immortalize it with pen and paper or keyboard and storage cloud if that is the case. What you couldn't say has now been said and its either a tool or a weapon depending on how you choose to use it. I'm fond of texting my husband quotes whether he wants me to or not. I suppose I feel that if someone else said it then he can't take it as a directed at him. But of course, I'm probably just fooling myself on that point.

 "But there’s something deeper here too, a growing awareness that real life and real

 love have less to do with feelings and a whole lot more to  do with acts of courage, acts of grace, and acts of quiet, desperate surrender."- Jenny from Mama Needs Coffee

In one of my journals I have a page full of quotes. I try to gather my scattered jottings together sometimes and inscribe them there so I have something to reference. I'm prone to quoting things my family members and friends say. There are quotes from my kids, my husband, and even myself on those pages. Not all are wise or wordy or particularly moving. Some just needed to be recorded like a photograph. To be reread and pull you back into whatever conversation or moment spawned the words.

"It doesn't matter who you marry; they're gonna be psycho."- my husband

And upon rereading those quotes you can often see the truth hidden behind the humor. Or the pain hidden behind the wisdom. You can take solace in knowing that you aren't alone in your sufferings or in your triumphs. And if you are like me and can't always find the right words, I can almost guarantee that someone has said it already, exactly how you want to say it yourself.

Lucky

My husband likes to frequently point out that I live, in his opinion, a privileged life.

Like yesterday when he asked what we did. My reply was, "Well we went to the trampoline park, the plastic surgeon, and ate at Big Orange where we were spoiled by our server." His reply, "That's pretty much what you do everyday."

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Yes. I am pretty lucky. I have more freedom than most. But in my mind, I have created that freedom. I only work at our business on the weekends and only for a few hours at a time so that we are able to homeschool. Our small home based soap store doesn't require more than a few more hours a week out of me. I drive an older vehicle with no car payments so I have extra spending money. It was all part of my plan, I tell him, to be able to do what I want when I want. Which sounds selfish and spoiled and maybe it is, but 98% of my time is spent with my kids. Going and doing and learning and creating.

I didn't know how to take care of myself when I was younger. The realization that one must put on their own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs didn't hit me until recently. You have to take care of yourself. But in such a child driven world, taking care of oneself can appear selfish. What? You take time to go to the gym/go running/hiking/yoga class? Shame on you. You drove 3 hours to go to a children's program at the museum and maybe do a little shopping for yourself because you live in the middle of nowhere but still want to enrich your children and indulge in retail therapy? That is a waste of time and gas and aren't you lucky you can just take off and do those things in the middle of the day.

My children are with me constantly. And they don't realize this isn't truly normal. Not being tied down to a job or a school schedule. A supportive father and husband who doesn't mind funding our adventures with only minimal amount of ribbing. But I still need to take care of myself.

So I do small things. Go for an early morning solo run. Sneak off to an essential oils demo at a friends house. Put the kids to bed early and hide in my room with laptop, beverage, and copious amounts of Gilmore Girls on Netflix. Always pick the restaurant when we are traveling so I can pretend to be a foodie and make sure my children experience real food at every meal. That last one is important because I have realized that even when I can't get a physical break I must take charge of the things that make me happy. And food makes me happy so I always pick in order to get that mental enjoyment of an amazing plate.

And when I don't take the time to do these things I realize that I'm not being very nice. I'm on the edge of freaking out and needing a mental health day. Which is kind of hard to take when everyone is home all the time. Every single day.

It's all about perspective I suppose. What ones life looks like to outsiders is usually entirely different than the reality. My blessings might be your problems. The things that make you happy could drive me crazy. Not everyone could deal with the absolute un-scheduledness of our days. Or the constant togetherness. Or the fact that my only traveling companions are both under 4 foot.

But they are pretty cool companions. They even get their own hashtags at restaurants. I don't have much to complain about. I lead a pretty privileged life.

#stellaapproved

Always Learning.

 

Things I learned this morning:

Women’s attire buttons or zips on a different side than men’s.

Seventh Day Adventists are vegetarians.

 

Things I learned this week:

People really really like our soap!

I am not very good at milking a goat.

 

Things I learned this month:

I really do enjoy working out early in the morning.

Cash needs to learn his multiplication tables.

 

 

 

 

 

Also…if you are viewing this in reader you need to update. We’ve had a url change.

 

thetinyfarmacademy.blogspot.com

Random Thoughts On Getting Old

I look in the mirror. I see I am getting older.

Do I dwell on it? No too much. It’s a bit shocking to see it, but you can’t help it. Staring right at it. Age. The passing of time.

I’m 31. Not old. But older.

I am about to click over to Amazon and buy some awesome washcloths. Because we need them. And I can. Because I’m 31.

And…and! I’m drinking green juice in bed instead of wine. Because I’m a bit of a boozer. But I’m also 31. So I drink green things.

I spent hours today working. On The Tiny Farm Co. It’s coming along. Online business is the solution. I just want to live in the middle of nowhere and work online. Obviously I’m 31 year old hermit.

Ancestry.com. Interesting site, yes? I would like to know more about my origins. I feel the past and realize how it was really not so long ago. Once again time is moving just too quick. When 31 will be 51.

Should I get my hair colored this week? I’m just not sure.

This is my hair blonder and shorter. And with more bang.

No feet. But, no bangs either. Still blonde.

 

And this is me much skinnier.

And blonder.

 

I guess it really doesn’t matter what you do to your hair, how fit you are, how young you dress. Time waits for no woman.

Why does it take us so long to figure that out?

Slow Life

 

What in the world are we doing?

Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I look at the ways of our family, and how they can be so drastically different from that of our neighbors, and I wonder. Are we slowing down, just to stand out? We say we are setting an example for our children, but are we also maybe trying to set one for our community?

I know our slow it down mindset kicked off when Cash was four and we began to view food in a different way. He is now eight. I say four because that appears to be the last picture I have of a brightly dyed birthday cake. And that is what it began with. Food dyes, artificial colors, and other various petroleum preservatives. We banned it all. Began to make everything at home, from scratch most of the time. It was time consuming yes, but I like to cook and everyone was healthier and had much more pleasant attitudes. So win-win right? So I thought.

That whole foods diet began to set us apart. I was suddenly the mom that wouldn’t let her kid eat the party food. I was the one looking like a crazy person for not allowing my son to eat the donuts that were brought for the soccer game half-time. After the initial period of having to just get over it, I began to wear that badge with pride. It was easier for me to look down on those less enlightened folks who were still stuffing their kids full of petroleum than to try and inform them. Sure, I’ll stand out! My family is healthier because we questioned the Standard American Diet. See?!? Don’t you people see?!? Thankfully, my ego eventually quieted down enough for me to just go on about our lives without judging what everyone put in their mouth. I mean it was exhausting and  unfair to those around me. The vast majority of our citizens really don’t know what’s in their food and what it is truly doing to their body and mind.

“LET FOOD BE THY MEDICINE AND MEDICINE BE THY FOOD.” – HIPPOCRATES

That little quote that hangs above my kitchen bar has become my answer to just about every food related question. Easy and done.

And then…well, then came Paleo.

I jumped on the Paleo train with gusto and threw out all the grains. Save for quinoa. I really love quinoa. And yes, amazingly I felt even better than I did before! How was it possible? Did people know this? That grain type foodstuffs could be the cause of most of our health issues and daily well being? My husband scoffed. Sure he had been on board with the all natural, whole foods lifestyle. But no bread? I mean, the hell?

Then he tried it. Over a year ago. And he will now testify to its greatness.

But in true disclosure we are a Primal (not fully Paleo) eating clan. We love some dairy, and we get crazy and eat some rice or corn about once a week or more depending on the busyness level around here. And we let our kids eat gluten all they want, as long as its whole foods based. We figure when they are teens they can make that decision to abstain from grains if they want.

So all this talk about food…it was actually leading up to something. Somewhere along the way, after fighting with outsiders (mainly school issues) regarding our diet, homeschool came across my radar. (Let me quickly point out, that our middle son absolutely cannot have anything with artificial ingredients in it due to allergies, and he was repeatedly being exposed to this at school despite my careful planning and packing.) Obviously I knew what homeschooling was, or I thought I did. But after being a devout reader of Pioneer Woman, I started to see it in a different light. What is this togetherness? This willingness to learn? This, shall we say, coolness of not going to actual school? I was intrigued, but content to just read about it from the sidelines.

Like with anything I get hooked on, my reading soon became obsessive on the subject. And then I threw the pitch. “Honey? I think I want to homeschool the kids.”

And like with anything I get hooked on, he voiced his views, and then gave me the reins.

If you’ve been a reader here for any amount of time, you will know that I think homeschooling has been wonderful for our family. And it has led to a multitude of other things. A multitude of ways to slow down.

Before I was the stressed public school room-mom (for two classrooms!) who said yes to everything, drove 60+ miles a day just to take the kids to school, coached two soccer teams, baked and cooked and packed three meals a day for three kids, planned parties and hated the waste the whole time I was planning them, worried incessantly about my kids education, among a whole slew of other “issues”.

Sidenote: Have I ever mentioned how I began to abhor waste? All those treat bags full of junk that would get thrown away? Why did we have to have that stuff? There are so many alternatives. The mounds of paperwork sent home? Everything that was unnecessary began to really bother me. I would go off on rants upon receiving something else I deemed waste or having to pick up after another bag filled with plastic junk. I kept the rants internal when it was something my kids brought home that was supposed to be a treat for behaving well or earning a academic award, but felt their could be alternatives to those things as well.

My kids were exhasuted daily upon school pick-up. Falling asleep on the 20 minute drive home. Learning but not really growing. Learning to fit in. Learning things that had nothing to do with real academics. Fighting and fighting and fighting during the few evening hours we had together as a family.

So we began to slow down. And it was lovely. We had more time for each other, more time to just be and just play. I said no to anything and everything that would stress me out. Of course there would be times I slipped and forgot. Like last year when I volunteered to teach two classes at our homeschool co-op and coach my daughter’s soccer team because no one else would and the head of the soccer association asked me very nicely. Luckily, I see that those obligations were not good for me or our family so this year I will be politely declining.

What comes next?

Small things, I suppose. We switched to raw milk for our health. We added a few goats to our Tiny Farm this year. Increased our flock of chickens. We plan on implementing some permaculture techniques in our garden due to us not being the most awesome gardeners. (Although, I do still have butternut squash in my kitchen from late last summer so we must not be all that bad.) We are learning to take care of our fruit trees and we added some berry bushes. All this to help bring our food a bit closer to home. Which is ironic since we own a grocery store. But you know, we’ve done things there to help the movement. Adding an organic/gluten free section and trying to buy produce from local farmers to name a few.

In the making it for yourself department, my husband has become quite skilled at brewing craft beer over the past few year. The man spent months chopping and stacking wood to ensure we wouldn’t be having to buy any this Winter. He received beekeeping equipment for Christmas and we will have new winged friends in our backyard in a few months. He seems more interested in helping the honeybees thrive than harvesting actual honey but I’m sure his tune will change. Just the other evening, I caught him making soap.

I do my part thru my cooking and gardening and animal tending. I picked up knitting as another slow hobby and a way to take back a bit of control of our accessories. $10 for a cheap scarf? No thank you. I’ll make it myself and know whose hands it came from. Not to mention that fiber arts are just beautiful.

And the road to simple just keeps on going. I love this road. It’s not smooth by any means, and a lot of the time it means hard work. But hard work is something our society has begun to greatly undervalue. Hard work can make you stand out. Authenticity can make you stand out. I guess in teaching my children the value of both of these things, I am teaching them to stand out. I’m quite alright with that.

Sober January Sucked. But Actually It Didn’t.

I just wrapped up thirty days of sobriety. And then I celebrated with a beer. Quite a few beers to be truthful.


First off, why in the world would I do this to myself? Thirty days without a drop to drink? I must have not been thinking clearly when I challenged myself to this. That’s what it was, a challenge. I knew that I was drinking more than I should on a daily basis. There is evidence of this woven all through my posts. There are odes to wine, days where I whined about drinking too much, posts written quite inebriated. I wanted to flex my willpower. My self-control that I couldn’t seem to find for a long while.

There was also the weight gain. After nearly three years of drinking Warren’s amazing homebrew and exercising less and less, I packed on close to thirty pounds. This month has taken a decent amount off me but I still have 10lbs to go before I am happy and 19lbs before I am back to the weight I was. But this post isn’t about weight or loving my body. This post is about drinking.

I began this after the total debauchery of Christmas. I started before the New Year and didn’t even drink on New Years Eve. I kept a daily journal. Looking back over it, I can see that the first week was a bit of a struggle. I kept forgetting that I wasn’t drinking. Once seven days were gone, I was  more at peace with it. It was like, “Oh, I have got this. This is easy.” Week two was smooth sailing. Midway through week three I started to lose it. Like seriously lose it. By the beginning of the fourth week I was mad. Just plain livid that I had set this stupid goal and I was too stubborn to not finish, but I wanted to drink so badly. My journal is inappropriate to even share here. The feelings that came up were not pretty. One day the only thing I wrote was “Fuck.” No explanation point. Just a period. Just period. I’m done. Stick a fork in me. But then, all the sudden there was an end in sight and my mood brightened. I was back to being fine with not drinking but awfully excited about the fact that I had X amount of days left before I could.

A few things that I realized while I wasn’t throwing back pints of beer and bottles of wine:
* I am highly productive when not drinking. I can keep up with the housework better, I get the dishes done after dinner and do a final sweep of the house instead of waking up to a mess.
* I read more actual books and spend less time on the internet and my phone.
* I don’t make as many mistakes when knitting.
* I got really really organized. Completely redid my homeschool binder and reworked our schedule.
* I got to bed earlier and woke up easier.
* I am a better teacher and more involved with the kids. My patience is greater, my voice kinder, my actions more deliberate.
* It was a huge relief to not be thinking about when I could drink every single day. I just knew I wasn’t so that thought completely left my mind. It used to torture me each day.
* I found that I could still be around friends and visit with Warren without having to have a drink in my hand as a security blanket.

Now what?

Now I know I can do this. I have been there, seen it, felt its benefits. After drinking heavily last night, then paying for it this morning, my mind is pretty set. Drinking on the weekends is how its going to have to be. There will be no weeknight drinking. I need to be my best, my most energetic, my authentic self. I need to be present for my life.

That’s the answer. Be present. Quit putting off your best self for later. Later isn’t always guaranteed. Why are you waiting to curb your addiction to your iphone in order to pay more attention to your family? Why are you waiting for a better time to quit smoking or take a break from drinking? The benefits don’t start until you decide to change. Life is now. Right now. You will never get back this second or minute or hour or day.

I feel like I have lost a lot of moments to drinking.
I don’t plan on turning into a teetotaler, but I do plan on being mindful of my alcohol intake.

31

Another year.

I'm older, but am I wiser?

Not sure yet. But I'm working on it.

Here is what I am reading:

For myself---
Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety - Sacha Z Scoblic
Drinking: A Love Story - Caroline Knapp
The Well Educated Mind - Susan Wise Bauer

With the kids---
The Odyssey- Homer  (children's version by Gillian Cross)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets - J.K. Rowling

What I'm doing:

knitting
downing lots of herbs
repeating small mantras
attempting to ignore wine
cooking
yoga

Sagittarians have a reputation for being eternal learners. It's true. I soak up knowledge like a sponge. I am always interested in learning all I can about what I am interested in. Thirty-one seems like a year for doing even more of that. Thirty-one seems like a year to finally get truly healthy and kick all the junk I preach about on a daily basis but still indulge in. Thirty-one seems old, but I know its not.

Right?

Hi!

I honestly didn't intend to go so long in between posts. So quick catch up!

 

I went trail running. But its been a few weeks ago. The sunrise is especially

 awesome in the woods this time of year.

 

We did the whole Halloween thing. We hardly ever do this. My kids

can't eat the candy anyways so we usually avoid it. This year they were more

about the dressing up part. Stella had never ever had makeup on before. I think that

was her favorite part.

 

Vampire Princess and Harry Potter.

 

Naturally.

 

Maggie and I dressed as twins. Yep. We are dorks.

 

I took this picture in an attempt to show my sister that I do

indeed have chickens with sexy hair.

 

We went hiking with the dogs and this happened on the way. Allie is

a neurotic car rider. Boss just doesn't care.

The woods were extra beautiful on top of Rich Mountain.

 

We traversed the trail down to a late 1800's stone reservoir that once

serviced Queen Wilhelmina Lodge.

 

 

I'm telling you the colors were amazing.

 

And once you got back up to the top, the sky was pretty amazing as well.

 

 

Stella and I bundled up to watch the last soccer game of the year.

Can I get a hallelujah?

 

I got an early birthday present from Warren. I love real wood products.

 

There were numerous moments over the last few weeks that I have been

ever grateful for the opportunity to homeschool my children.

 

And we are just almost done with the kitchen. It just needs grout and then I can

share the full transformation.

 

Girls night! Stuffed shrooms!

 

My crazy friend Emily, whom I adore.

 

And man oh man! It is cold in Arkansas right now. We're talking tights, flannels, and woolen

socks with coffee in hand at all times cold.

 

See? Cash insisted on doing his math lesson bundled to the max.

 

 

Okay! You are officially caught up.

 

 

 

 

Messages

Mother Nature sending me a Winter warning as I was putting up tomato sauce.

I am a believer in messages. Little nudges that either confirm you are on the right path or attempt to send you elsewhere.  I wasn't very enlightened or open to listening to anyone or anything as a child, teen, or young adult. It took me a while to slow down and take notice of the messages being sent me.

But whoa! When I did....they were coming fast and furious. And the messages were always the same...... you have enough....live calmly......slow down.........be kind........your children need you present.

Everything I've been doing for the past year has been part of a conscious slow down. The move to homeschool, decreasing our activities and commitments, raising chickens, picking up knitting, trying hard to garden. These types of things have a way of making you take your time.

And I really can't help but wonder where all this will lead. This path that feels so absolutely right. The one my soul is gladly walking and learning to want less every single day.

Want less. You have enough. Live calmly. Slow down. Be kind. Be present for your children.

I've also felt the nudges that tell me to make sure and give myself some space and peace. To work hard but relax when I need it. I carved out this space in my favorite room the other day. A place just for me. To store what I am currently reading, my yarn, my thoughts, myself.

There are a few words I try to attach to my heart and remember when I feel troubled. Balance is one. Balance is so very important to me because I struggle with it but know how well it makes life work when you achieve it. So I balance the roles of mother and wife. And I balance the roles of mother and me. And I balance my mind to keep the negative thoughts at bay. And I balance my emotions to keep from being overwhelmed by circumstances that I am powerless over.

Then I just wait and watch for the next little message that tells me I am doing just fine.

Chaos

Want some honesty?

A little bit of true life around here?

I mean surely you know its not just all homeschooling, homebrewing, knitting, cooking damn fine food, exercising, getting your zen on, chickens running around, classically educating kids up in here.

I did just say up in here. And now I feel really dumb. Anyways.....

Sometimes its messy. And I don't mean the house. I mean my mind.

 

Take my bed for example here. It is a pretty accurate representation of my mind. There's always a bunch of stuff on it. Like those folded towels? Totally stuff that I need to just put away because I went through the work of making it all nice and neat and now I'm just going to leave it sitting there cause I am lazy. And the knitting. Something I am really enjoying doing but its also driving me a bit batty because its hard to multitask and knit. I can watch TV and knit but I don't really like TV. I can educate myself on YouTube (homeschool lectures are the bomb! no. really.). I can listen to the kids do their daily out loud reading. But...I can't read and knit. And I have about a bajillion things I want to be reading right now. Everywhere I turn there is a book strategically placed by myself that I want to read or reread. Also on the bed and in my mind is stuff placed their by my children. In this picture its that pink bundle tied with a scarf. Its nothing really important, but the gesture of her gifting me with some of her stuff wrapped all prettily like....well I have a hard time tossing it out. Same goes with all the stuff they say to me. I can't toss it out of my head. Miscellaneous socks? Obviously those represent my husband and the never ending frustration involved in picking up after him. Those socks will stay there damn it! As will the nagging in my head. It will stay in my head. And surely you notice how plugged in I am. Laptop, tablet, and I took the picture with my phone. I am basically on all the time. All the time!

 

The kids take quiet time daily. I try really hard to make myself take quiet time as well. No chores. No phone calls. No stress. Taking a siesta with Warren is ideal. Yoga is ideal. Reading blogs or books is ideal. But the last two days I have broke my quiet time rule for myself. So at the end of quiet time I was hiding behind my coffee wishing quiet time lasted another hour or so.

 

 

Don't leave quiet time!!!!!

 

 

I suppose I just wanted to put it out there, like a lot of mommybloggers (shudder) do, that what you see and read here is only a half truth. It's pretty and we are lucky to be able to homeschool, and brew beer, and eat amazing food, and keep chickens, and visit the rivers to see the flora and fauna.

 

But the rest of the time its just total chaos!

 

Except I made the kids do yoga last night to calm their little bodies and minds. So ha! Except I didn't Instagram it for proof. The jokes on me.  

News To Me

    One of my most favorite things is discovering something new about myself. This little bit of previously unknown personal trivia is like an unexpected present. It can be something simple: liking a food you were sure you wouldn't. Or it can be much bigger and deeper. Something about your personality you were unaware of.

I read 23 Signs You're Secretly An Introvert on Huffington Post a few days ago and sat there nodding my head nearly the whole way through. I'm sure I looked like one of those bobbing dogs on a dashboard. It honestly blew my mind. Now I am not one to normally put a lot of stock in those articles that have SIGNS YOU'RE XXX in the title, but this one hit the mark. I have always, and I mean always thought of myself as an extrovert. If you were to ask me, that is how I would describe my personality.

I casually mentioned this to Warren and he laughed. Laughed because I had always identified myself as an extrovert. According to him I am a textbook introvert. But as he said, "It's not big deal, I am an introvert too."

I spent a good deal of time thinking about this, as it was really and truly having an affect on my perception of myself. Wasn't I always outgoing? Confident and never shy? I have never had a problem meeting people or mingling at a party. I'm downright boisterous at times.

But then there were the 23 signs. Plus a few others I recognized on my own. Like the fact that I prefer to dine in small groups at the time when a restaurant is likely to be the quietest. Or how about that I am always lugging about a book to fill any spare time instead of talking to people.

Some of the signs that brought this realization about were:

I don't do small talk. They called it cumbersome. I find it unnecessary and annoying.

I often feel alone in a crowd. So true. That's why I have the aforementioned book on hand.

Networking feels phony. Totally. Why do I need to connect with people to further myself?

You're intense and prefer deep conversations. Not all the time, but those are my favorite.

You're easily distracted so you need a environment with less stimuli. So true! I need calmness and simplicity to work.

Downtime doesn't feel unproductive. This is true and false for me. When I really and truly need it then I can take it. But everyday laziness I just cannot bear.

Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than mingling with those people. I did a lot of public speaking in high school and was very good at it. But just talking to people I don't know is weird.

In public places you sit at an end or corner chair instead of the middle. Always always always. I don't want to be surrounded by people!

I shut down after I have been active for too long. I have a expiration time every day. I need to be in my house in the quiet or my brain just fizzles out.

You screen all your calls. Oh yeah. Totally guilty. Not that I don't want to talk. I just have to mentally prepare myself to talk. Give me a half hour and I'll call you back.

You notice details that others don't. I do like to really look at my surroundings.

You have a constant inner monologue. Yeah and I wish I could get it to shut up sometimes.

You alternate between phases or work, solitude, and social activity. I do get in a groove sometimes where I really want to hang out with people but it never lasts very long. Most of the time I would rather be home reading a book.

Example- This evening I took the kids to soccer practice. While Cash practiced and Stella dominated the playground, I took up residence on a grassy piece of Earth with my giant glass of water, iphone, and knitting. I played music softly to focus my mind and knitted on a scarf for Stella. My feet were bare and I wiggled them in the grass as often as I could. There were people here and there that I knew and I would speak to them if they spoke to me, but I am pretty sure every single thing in my setup and body language shouted that I wanted to be left alone. Sometimes I feel bad for being like that, but honestly small talk with acquaintances drains my energy. It leaves me feeling anxious and tired. I'm much happier to say hello or nothing at all and resume whatever I was doing.

So this new bit of knowledge about myself is taking some time to sink in. I'm not really sure what I will do with it in the long run. But for now I'm going to use it as  reason to not be hard on myself for being a homebody and keeping my inner circle very small.

But if you see me knitting barefoot on the ground at soccer practice, feel free to say hi!

Rise

Last night I went to sleep at 9pm.

Wait....that's untrue.

Last night I drank three beers and went to sleep at 7pm on the couch and then woke up at 9pm and put myself to bed properly.

In my defense I did get up at 5:30am and work out. I also did that again this morning.

I used to be an early to bed early to rise kinda gal. Like every day. And you know what? I loved it! I was more productive. I was healthier. I actually enjoyed exercising. I drank less.

And of course I had to bring that up. The pesky drinking thing. I feel like I spend a lot of the little time I am actually on this blog whining about drinking.

I picked myself up a nifty little leather cuff the other day to add to my collection. I had the word balance inscribed on it. I was going to go with moderation but that was a bit wordy. Thats all I want. All I am seeking on a daily basis. Balance and moderation. Moderation and balance. Just staying on an even keel. Sure life can be tumultuous but just because the boat is rocking doesn't mean you have to fall off.

Here's to another early bedtime this evening and the fortitude to rise with the sun.

Sushi

My mother used to bring home copious amounts of Chinese food when we lived in L.A. (Lower Arkansas). Rare trips to Texarkana meant a visit to a very special chinese restaurant where we ordered double of everything and breathed in the amazing smell of their egg drop soup. The best shrimp fried rice, and sweet and sour broccoli, lovely peanut chicken. We crunched on icy Diet Cokes while we waited for our huge order. They gave us little plates of eggrolls and rangoon.

Now I am the one carting home a ton of foreign food. Enough so we have leftovers for days. But... I bring home sushi.

Instant Beauty, Instant Gratification

I love Instagram!

Really...what's not to love? If you can get past people posting pictures of their lunch then you will find some really beautiful images.

My shots from the past few days (a bunch were from this morning when I finally made it out to run).
(I am sugarbritchesyo....if you care to follow along.)

You can't even see the mountains due to the fog in the valley.

 

 

Toe socks in toe shoes, ready to run in the cold.

 

 

Little valley town. Where we run there are no flat surfaces. Only hills.

 

 

Sunday morning only drive thru coffee available.

 

 

Sugarbaby successfully learned how to write all her letters over Christmas Break.

Official homeschooling starts tomorrow!

 

 

 

My planner. It was boring and ugly and needed a makeover. Now it is

a hodgepodge, but an inspirational one. I took the idea of a vision board

and projected it on my planner. This holds my lesson plans, notes, lists, contacts,

schedule. Basically our life is in this book. I can never keep up with computer calendars

and schedules. It's pen and paper all the way for me!

 

And finally, one little bit of loveliness I found on Pinterest last night. This pretty much sums up the way I feel. It really is the little things. Give light and love folks. It's all you can do in this crazy world.

 

 

Snow

We only get snow like this once every few years.

So....we kind of get obsessed.

 

I have lived in muck boots and tights for the last few days. The animals still have to be taken care of. Snow or no snow.

 

The chickens cannot be coaxed out. Spoiled hens are eating in their coop for now.

 

The dogs are still in heaven. Begging to go out every chance they can.

 

 

Boss is only four months old and already its a snow smackdown!

 

 

 

I ventured out one final time to check on the girls and couldn't resist these fleeting colors of the setting sun. I feel for you folks that spend your whole Winter with this weather. It's beautiful....but man its cold.