Thursday, August 25, 2016

Life Block

You know how some people get writer's block? I feel like I have life block. Most likely a small case of writer's block as well but most definitely I feel stuck in life. Like I'm sitting there staring at each day and struggling to find the actions to complete it. Ideas and good intentions all languish in my brain and fail to come out through my actions. Currently life feels like an ever revolving hamster wheel which only pauses long enough to let people on and off but none of them are me. I would really like an exit pass as I am becoming quite dizzy and nauseous.

I'm missing my friends. Yet its through my own actions that my relationships with them are now strained. How do you fix that? How do you say sorry over and over again before it doesn't even mean anything or matter anymore? I feel like this is just a constant of my personality, to push people away after a certain period of time. My therapist says its just bad communication but I think its my intuitive nature going into overdrive. I pick up on the little cues and bolt before I can be pushed away myself.

The grass is always greener mentality is constantly with me but I know better than to believe it. Still that longing for something different leaves me empty and short tempered. Some days I am just fine with my lot in life, grateful and happy for the generous life I lead. I mean really...what do I have to be unhappy about? Other days I just wish I could pick up my whole family and plop us down thousands of miles away from here. Melancholy is quickly taking over, motivation is waning. I'm tired of it. Very very tired of it. I pray for contentment and wisdom. And mercy. Always always mercy and forgiveness for my ungratefulness. I've got to start looking at this blank page of a day and filling it to the brim. I've got to start loving the way I want to be loved. No one is going to do it for me. The prayer to St. Francis is probably a good place to start...

1 comment:

  1. oh Ashley.... if every word doesn't describe my everyday I don't know what does....
    hang in there......


Now play nice and for every comment you leave, I'll buy you a pony.