Sunday, January 9, 2011

Not Quite What I Expected

The holidays are over. I love them and look forward to them each and every year. This go round seemed calmer than normal. More laid back. I am grateful for that. We needed some relaxed family time before our lives were turned upside down. I'll fill you in on that cryptic sentence later. Nothing bad, I promise.

But in the meantime, I'm going to let you in on something...

I'm lost.

Maybe not lost in a devastating can't find my way out of a dark dark hole lost. But lost nonetheless. For the first time in my life I feel like I am actively searching for something. Something I can't see, but I know its there. I can feel it. Elusive and staying just out of reach until I come to terms with things I've never considered.

I'll tell you another secret. I set my blog to private and wrote the post before this one. I intended to turn this blog I love so much into a private journal for my eyes only.

Why did I do that?

Simple. I was embarrassed. Embarrassed to admit to searching out faith and the good book as a solution to what I felt was missing. Right before the New Year I began reading the Bible. If you know me in real life you understand the absurdity of this statement. But I want you to understand that I was inspired by many women to do this. And I feel the need to share it. Not for some vain attempt at feedback about how noble it is to try and do better. Not because I expect karma to shine down on me because I blogged about joy or blessings. Just for the record. Because that's what my blog is and yours probably is too. A record of your life. Your journey. I needed to take a different path and I want proof and memories of when and why I stepped away from the one I was on.

What do I hope to get from this?

Just to name a few.

I also started regular yoga practice and I find the two go hand in hand quite nicely. This verse makes me happy, and yoga makes me happy.

Proverbs 3:13-18 Blessed is the man who finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who embrace her; those who lay hold of her will be blessed.

I just want to be a better mom. A better wife. The kind of person you want to be friends with.

I want to smile like this all the time. From the inside.

Want one more secret?

I made a chocolate cake today. And it was delicious.


  1. I think (like a recent FB post) many of us identify ourselves by other people or things. So and so's daughter, so and so's wife, mom, etc. But at some point in life, a lot of us are suddenly smacked between the eyes with a giant "SO what?!"

    Family and the things we acquire in life are nice. But it can all be taken away, or lost, in the blink of an eye. That's when you start looking for something stronger, bigger than yourself, to rely on.

  2. So glad you didn't stay private, I love to read your blog and was quite disappointed to find it had gone the other day:-). Great post and I hope you get to smile all the time like you want to in your picture. I love that bible verse too and am trying to focus on my bible too, we always have to remember we are Gods work in progress.

  3. I love ya bloggy BFF & I think this journey you're on is spectacular and scary and will hopefully be the best thing ever for you.

  4. I wish you the best of luck on your spiritual journey.


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