Sunday, July 26, 2009

On Being A Trained Wife

I was never prepared to be a wife. A mother maybe, but not a wife. You evolve into a mother out of necessity and chances are you are a damn good mother. But the beginning, were you a damn good wife?

I wasn't. I admit that.

I wasn't a bad wife, I just didn't really try. See I was delusional. I thought that once I was married, things would just automatically be easy. My husband would treat me like a princess, help with the housework, share the childcare duties, and be home on time every night. He would never raise his voice to me, never stay out late, never leave my side. I'm a clingy one, dontcha' know. Well he didn't. Surprise honey!

It's funny that I thought all of this because I had been married before. And my first marriage was the complete opposite of everything I just described. For some reason I was convinced that since I had found the right man, then things would automatically be how I perceived a happy marriage to be.

And of course they weren't. And since I wasn't trying very hard, things sucked. When I look at it now, I realize that for the most part, I was making them suck. The suckage was all my doing. Whenever the husband and I had a disagreement, I expected him to apologize every single time or rather not even argue with me at all. My way or the highway buddy! I would get mad that I had to pick up after him, since I picked up after the kids all day. Nevermind the fact that he had just done 8-10 hours of backbreaking hard labor in 100 degree weather on the side of a mountain, uphill both ways, etc. etc. etc. I acted hurt and abandoned if he ever wanted to go out of the house without me. Even though he always asked way ahead of time, called to check on me frequently, and was always home at a decent time (except for that one bachelor party but we won't go there). I was stubborn, spoiled, and all around hard to live with.

Looking back on the last five years that we have been together, I can see the gradual change I went through. That we both went through. I know that our marriage wasn't truly a happy one until about year number three, and I don't think there was in sudden shift from unhappy to happy. We just settled in for the long haul. We learned about each other and adjusted. We began to pick our battles instead of going full throttle over every tiff. We figured out what little things made us both happy and we campaigned for them, demanded that they be met.
I'm not trying to act like an expert on marriage. I hold no degree and hey let's face first marriage didn't even last a year. I just know myself and I like to think I know my husband. And I know that we are happy. Happiness is hard to come by.

These days I try really really hard to be a good wife. I do my share and more without complaint. I'm his sounding board when he's had a hard day. I ask before I assume. I give him as much space as a needy person such as myself can. I'm affectionate when appropriate. Downright dirty when called for. Apologetic when wrong. I'm trained. What can I say. He's got me good.


  1. Well, THAT's bookmarked!

    I also learned the hard way that second marriages are good ones: I learned when to shut up and when to put up LOL and what things are small things after all.

    You two make a great couple! And I hope that photo is in a frame somewhere in your house, because it's beautiful.

  2. Good pic, I agree :)

    One of those crazy forwards came to my email when Jake and I were engaged about what women in the 50's should do to appease their husband. You know take off their shoes as soon as they walk in the door and all that crap.

    I was telling my granny about it and she quickly corrected me that was a sure-fire way to make you husband a happy guy. Everybody did that back then.

    Different times now, and I'm certainly not giving him a foot rub for sitting in a cushy office all day, but there was a valuable lesson. More than love, a guy needs respect for the man he is, and lots of it. The times I show him some trust and admiration even when I'm not sure he deserves it, everything ends much sweeter.

    Year #4 has been good to us. I look back at the earlier years and really feel bad for him. He probably thought I was some needy psycho. Well, I was. Live and learn, I guess.

  3. Great, honest posting. He's a lucky Guy.

  4. What a cute pic of you guys!

    Don't let him read this post though - you gotta keep him guessing. Dodge and weave, baby!


Now play nice and for every comment you leave, I'll buy you a pony.