Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The End of an Era

Sugarbaby's birthday is getting awfully close.

I'm sad. Sort of. No. Not really. I lie.

I'm excited because that first year of turmoil is almost at a close. Next up; mobility, vocal communication, terrible two's, POTTY TRAINING. I'm looking forward to all these things because it means one thing...

My baby having days are over. Over. Done. Finally.

Of course I'll miss teeny tiny baby feet, and little bitty sundresses. Lavender bath smells. Lovely soft smooth baby bottom skin. Grasping starfish hands and fat rolls. Toothless grins and the calmness of a baby in dreamland.

If it weren't for those things I'd only have one child, because that first year, although magical, is hard. But as it is, I have three. I was tricked by baby smells, and smiles, and coos. So this baby, my last baby, turning one seems to be more of a milestone than the boys first birthdays. With this birthday I will say goodbye to any more humans exiting my body. Tata to breastfeeding, bottle making, spit-up stained clothing, sleepless nights, and those god awful nursing bras. Hello finally getting my body back for good, walking hand in hand with my daughter, pigtails, teeny tiny bikinis, silly sounds and first words, the whole entire world for her to discover.

And now, finally after the last five years of raising the Monster, then Cashman, I feel like an adult. It took a while. Two years ago I still didn't feel grown up. I felt like I was playing at this mom game, babysitting and surely their parents would return soon, right? But things just kept going, time didn't stop and wait for me to realize how much of it had passed. We moved back home, conceived Sugarbaby, decided she was the last, bought a house and so on. There is absolutely no ignoring all the grown up signs now. I even bought a ladder a few months ago. That made me feel old. But in a good way. Being able to afford a nice ladder for your own home kind of gives one a warm fuzzy HGTV feeling.

Through all those months and weeks and days that I felt like a kid, I was very aware that the hubby was feeling the same. And now I look at him and see a man. Honest to god. He's still playful and more childlike than I am, but just watching him walk from a distance I am struck by how odd it feels to be married to a man. Our relationship has matured and changed and its all been for the better. I love him now more than I ever have.

I feel like an era in my life is done. A door has closed. A block of time has been filed away in a closet in my mind. There when I want to retrieve it, but put away to make room for all the new memories of a young family just beginning to live life again.

I'm ready. Bring it.


  1. Very well said, you have a great attitude about it! I think I'll be a complete basket case when that time comes. It is the beginning of the long road to the empty nest.

    If it were up to me Id have a baby in the house until retirement age. Their demanding nature focuses me in a crazy way to get stuff done and simplify. And I love fuzzy sweet baby heads and chubby little fingers.

    That said, this comment took like 10 min to type since Im feeding the baby w/ the other hand.

  2. Sometimes I think I'd love another tiny baby to cuddle.

    Then I realise those thoughts ARE INSANE.

    Still, it's hard to shut the door on a chapter of life, even though the new ones are opening to more wonderful things. Good luck with the birthday party, and congratulations on your new ladder!

  3. awww ashley, how can she be that big? i feel most of your sentiments, all though i miss my babies being little babies like crazy i am glad to move on the the next chapter of life, tball, dance, vacations where we don't have to go back to the hotel for nap right in the middle of fun, no more cracker crumbs in my purse, sleep and new boobs. happy birthday pretty little sugar baby.


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