The Problem With My Boobs

Last night on my twice monthly pilgrimage to exchange the Monster with his Dad, my traveling companion and I began discussing bras. I am in need of some bras, let me tell you. But first a little background information.

I. HAVE. HUGE. BOOBS.

Always have and I am surprised that I haven't mentioned this before. For the past 13 or so years my boobs have defined me. Or so it seemed. They were always the first thing to enter the room (hehe). A heterosexual male could not look me in the face to save his life. I know that is a somewhat normal phenomenon among men, but it seemed to be just a bit worse with me. Also, I was of normal weight. On the skinny side, sometimes. For most of those years I looked like a Barbie doll. Out of proportion, always looking like I was going to fall flat on my face from the counterweight of those ginormous boobies.

Pregnancy didn't help matters. Nope, not one bit. It was hell. Did I mention I did it three times?

I've always envied the girls with those perfect little teacups hiding under their shirts. They just seemed so free. I bet they can play golf just fine without stopping their swing short on their chest. There are a lot of things just not possible when you have big breasts. Cute bras are almost completely out of the question, hence my conversation last night.

I've lost a bit of weight since Sugarbaby, not enough, it will never be enough. But enough that I need new clothes and bras. To find a bra that fits these things, reverses gravity, and provides the right amount of cleavage is difficult. I've tried the Wal-Mart cheapies, you know the ones that make your boobs look all pointy? Also the ones that the straps are so wide you could substitute them for trailer tie-downs. And when I do find a cute, perky bra I like, guess what? It stops just short of my size and I am forced to stuff myself into it, achieving the muffin top look from the front. Looks like I've got two jumbo muffins shoved in my shirt. Yummy.

So if I want a pretty bra, a lacy bra, a sexy bra, a bra that doesn't use more fabric than the American flag, I must pay dearly. VS and Dillard's. The only places I know to find such a contraption. And circumstances being what they are, I'll be needing more than one. It kind of makes me want to do the math. Add up the cost of bras (the good kind) for a year times however many more years that I'll actually care how my boobs look versus plastic surgery to shrink those puppies. Then I could buy the cheap bras. Donations, anyone?