I've Been Wandering...and I think I Am Lost
That often repeated quote of Tolkien's... "Not all those who wander are lost."
I used to wear it as a badge. Carry it like a compass and declare it my true North. Brand it searing hot into my flesh so that no one would have any doubt as to the fact that I knew I was wandering and I was perfectly fine with it.
Truthfully? My road has gotten a bit rough lately.
Maybe more than rough. Back alley, big city, stayed out carousing till 2 AM rough. Rutted out red clay, too narrow to drive down, tree blocking the way rough. Dead tired, hungover, sick as a dog rough. Don't read that literally.
I'm tired. I'm very tired of wandering. I think I just want to come home.
I've tried on religion before and just like any fashion trend, it never felt quite right, or only felt temporary. I would challenge myself to read the Bible using a guide and while I sometimes felt comfort from the scripture I mostly felt like a poser. Like I was trying too hard. It was unnatural and I couldn't stick with it. We would attend church and I was always uncomfortable, irritated, and sometimes so amused I would have to stifle laughter during the sermon. Surely this was not the way God wanted me to come to him?
The other day my husband asked me if I ever felt led. It was an odd question, but maybe not considering 10 minutes prior he asked me if I believed in angels in which we delved into discussion on hierarchy and such. But when he asked if I ever felt led, I paused and replied, "Led? No, never led. More like pushed."
His questions prompted my questions. Hard questions you mostly don't feel like asking yourself. And now I feel like I have to go look for answers.