Thursday, October 22, 2009

Poster Child for Abstinence

My little step-brother just called me. It's his week at his Dad's and my Mom's house. And of course he has homework.

He's a good kid. Handsome and kind, with the beginning of a hint of a dry sense of humor. Which he needs in order to survive in our family.

He'll turn 13 next week.

When he called I was taken off guard because he immediately said he had a few questions about abstinence. I offered him a babysitting gig and told him that spending some quality alone time with his niece and nephews should answer any questions about whether or not abstinence is a good choice.

But he stopped me and explained that it was an assignment for a class and he needed help answering the questions.

And so it began.

I was drilled with sex-ed questions by a not yet 13 year old. BOY! Thirteen year old BOY!

"If a teenage couple uses a condom can they still get pregnant?"
"If a condom slips off and breaks is there a risk of pregnancy or contracting a STD?"
"Can some types of STD be transmitted through skin to skin contact?"

Those were just a few of the questions. I alternated between turning forty-eleven shades of red and laughing hysterically like a hyena. I kept accusing my mother of putting him up to this and demanding to know if I was on speakerphone. He swore up and down he wasn't messing with me and really needed help because our parents had told him they were tired of answering questions about sex and to just call me.

Yeah. Cause I'm the poster child for abstinence.

His last question was a fill in the blank list. List three things that changes for a teenage couple who get pregnant.

My answers: 1. You have a baby.
2. You have a baby.
3. You have a baby.

Those weren't good enough for him so I had to come up with: You're broke. You don't have a life. You have no friends. You have a baby.

I'm just going to stop answering my phone.


  1. That is HILARIOUS.

    I love that your Mom told him to call you and that you offered up your kids as a life-lesson for him.

    That is priceless.

  2. That's too funny!

    Of course I would not think it was funny if it was me, but it's still funny! I'm dreading having "the talk" with Sissy. I do believe Hubby is going to have to handle it with Bubba!!

  3. HA! Even though I think abstinence education is a joke (and man, barely 13, they are starting that class early) this is great! I can just see your face answering those questions!

    I think if I had a boy I'd tell him if he had sex his wiener would fall off.

  4. Oh NO!! You poor thing, what a phone conversation. My son's about to turn 10, and when I think of HIM asking such questions I want to puke. OMG. I have to go lie down...

  5. babysitting would have been my first response too. just those those programs that some schools have where the teens have to carry around a doll baby that cries and poops for a week.

  6. ROTFLMAO! yet, summed up so nicely.

    lol- ps. my word verification is:


    which brings up another good case for teen abstinence!


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