Wednesday, June 17, 2009

the baby gear blacklist

do you remember the moment when you found out that you were pregnant with your first child? if you were anything like me, your first instinct after seeing that happy little plus sign on the pregnancy test was to block a date for the mega-field trip to babies"r"us to get started on the gift registry ASAP. i mean, what in the world is better than planning a shopping spree where everyone else pays for the cool stuff you're going to end up with? i was there faster than you could blink, armed with my list of must-haves and can't-live-withouts. well 9 months later and buried under a pile of useless junk i would've gone back in time to slap some sense into "newly pregnant corrie" and beg and plead for her never to ever naively step foot in a baby gear mega store ever in the history of EVER.

and what, you ask, prompted this sudden change of heart, this blatantly blasphemous anti-shopping spree propaganda? i'll tell you what... it was the used-only-once billion dollar color screen baby monitor, the unused package of newborn onesies, the sahara desert of wipe warmers, and the diaper genie on the curb waiting to be picked up on garbage day because i just couldn't figure out how to use it the "right" way. it was the plethora of never worn newborn clothes and piles of skinny burp cloths, the infant size 2 nike sneakers, and the "what to expect the first year" book that was thrown across the room in a fit of frustration and inadequacy. if you are a parent, you are all too familiar with the useless baby gear. the piles of gifts from the baby shower that were never opened and are waiting patiently to be regifted when a friend becomes pregnant. the stuff that was "only used once" and then slowly made it's way to the back of the cabinet or closet. the stuff that you attempted to use but just couldn't figure out. the STUFF. tons and tons of STUFF that clutters our nurseries and cars and diaper bags and living rooms and homes and lives as new parents.

and now i give to you, as the ultimate been-there-done-that-and-don't-want-you-to-end-up-there-also baby shower gift, the baby gear blacklist:
1. wipe warmers - big piece of plastic with the propensity to dry out wipes, leaving them brown and gross when you need them the most. and let's not talk about the fact that between the warmer and your baby's butt, the wipe has gone right back to being room temperature. nobody's tush has ever fallen off from using a room temperature baby wipe.
2. "what to expect the first year" - this is the book to get if you want to feel like the parenting world's biggest failure. 3. whycry baby crying analyzer - save yourself the 100 bucks, and next time your baby cries check her diaper and give her a good burping.
4. anything "newborn" sized - they're tiny for about ten minutes of their lives. then you blink, and they're in size 10 diapers and asking for the keys to the car. itty bitty outfits are cute, but unless you've given birth to a preemie baby, they are extremely impractical and a total waste of money. buy the next size up, you'll thank me for it. 5. pee-pee teepee - good for a "pee your pants" laugh, yes. effective, no.
6. skinny burp cloths - if you give a child a 3 inch wide surface to puke on, they are going to puke everywhere BUT on that 3 inch surface. buy yourself a 12 pack of those unsightly gerber cloth diapers and fling one over your shoulder. let's face it, there's no stylish way to be thrown up on so don't pretend that a sleek little slimline modern printed piece of fabric is going to save your wardrobe from regurgitated dinner.
7. hard soled baby shoes - newborns don't walk. don't pretend that they do.
8. steam sterilizer - new parent, meet the kitchen sink. in a distant time way before the technology of steam sterilizers were introduced to our helpless world, palmolive and hot water pretty much did the trick.9. baby knee pads - while you're at it, stick a helmet on your child and wrap him in bubble wrap.
10. anything WHITE - umm, yeah. do i really need to explain?

in the meantime, scratch everything off your must-have list, and go buy your baby a tractor. they'll love you for it forever. i swear.

so that's MY top ten of blacklisted baby items... what's on your list?


  1. Oh Corrie! I can always count on you for humor. I like you're list... If I ever have babies, I will pull this back up!!

    Also, I have to say, if you (general you not the YOU CORRIE) thought the 100$ crying detector thing was really going to tell you what you're baby wanted... I have a bridge thats been in my family for ages... I'll sell it REAL cheap!

  2. classic...Love them all....luckily I don't think I ever got any of those...except the what to expect book...and you are so right...

    oh...and do you know a mommy blogger who deserves to be named mommy blogger of the year?...then come by and nominate her...winner gets a Huge swag bag fully of goodies over 21 companies participating so far.

  3. I love this post!!! I am so with you on all of that crap. It cracks me up when I see all the stuff first time parents put on their baby list.
    You have a new follower. I was visiting from SITS

  4. Haha! My list would be the same as yours!

  5. Perfect list! Now you need to do a list of MUST-HAVES!


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