and what, you ask, prompted this sudden change of heart, this blatantly blasphemous anti-shopping spree propaganda? i'll tell you what... it was the used-only-once billion dollar color screen baby monitor, the unused package of newborn onesies, the sahara desert of wipe warmers, and the diaper genie on the curb waiting to be picked up on garbage day because i just couldn't figure out how to use it the "right" way. it was the plethora of never worn newborn clothes and piles of skinny burp cloths, the infant size 2 nike sneakers, and the "what to expect the first year" book that was thrown across the room in a fit of frustration and inadequacy. if you are a parent, you are all too familiar with the useless baby gear. the piles of gifts from the baby shower that were never opened and are waiting patiently to be regifted when a friend becomes pregnant. the stuff that was "only used once" and then slowly made it's way to the back of the cabinet or closet. the stuff that you attempted to use but just couldn't figure out. the STUFF. tons and tons of STUFF that clutters our nurseries and cars and diaper bags and living rooms and homes and lives as new parents.
and now i give to you, as the ultimate been-there-done-that-and-don't-want-you-to-end-up-there-also baby shower gift, the baby gear blacklist:
2. "what to expect the first year" - this is the book to get if you want to feel like the parenting world's biggest failure. 3. whycry baby crying analyzer - save yourself the 100 bucks, and next time your baby cries check her diaper and give her a good burping.
4. anything "newborn" sized - they're tiny for about ten minutes of their lives. then you blink, and they're in size 10 diapers and asking for the keys to the car. itty bitty outfits are cute, but unless you've given birth to a preemie baby, they are extremely impractical and a total waste of money. buy the next size up, you'll thank me for it. 5. pee-pee teepee - good for a "pee your pants" laugh, yes. effective, no.
6. skinny burp cloths - if you give a child a 3 inch wide surface to puke on, they are going to puke everywhere BUT on that 3 inch surface. buy yourself a 12 pack of those unsightly gerber cloth diapers and fling one over your shoulder. let's face it, there's no stylish way to be thrown up on so don't pretend that a sleek little slimline modern printed piece of fabric is going to save your wardrobe from regurgitated dinner.
7. hard soled baby shoes - newborns don't walk. don't pretend that they do.
8. steam sterilizer - new parent, meet the kitchen sink. in a distant time way before the technology of steam sterilizers were introduced to our helpless world, palmolive and hot water pretty much did the trick.9. baby knee pads - while you're at it, stick a helmet on your child and wrap him in bubble wrap.
10. anything WHITE - umm, yeah. do i really need to explain?
in the meantime, scratch everything off your must-have list, and go buy your baby a tractor. they'll love you for it forever. i swear.
so that's MY top ten of blacklisted baby items... what's on your list?